Friday, August 05, 2005

NBA + Anchorman

= Awesomeness. (Part 1, Part 2).

I'm probably one of the few people out there who actually care about the NBA parts of this column. But still, hilarious, just to relive the Anchorman quotes alone is a good time. My favs:

3. "Huh? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Actually, I'm not even mad -- that's amazing!"

To Philly GM Billy King, who continues to hemorrhage money like a drunken stockbroker in the champagne room at Scores. Over the past four summers, King spent $68 million on an aging Dikembe Mutombo; $40 million on Kenny Thomas; $35.5 million on Aaron McKie; $29 million on Eric Snow; $20.7 million on Brian Skinner; $18 million on Greg Buckner; and an astonishing $15 million for Kevin Ollie (which was especially memorable because, at the time, I spent 15 minutes on the phone with my buddy House trying to get him to guess how much money Ollie had signed for, before House came up with the exact figure). And don't forget, King traded for C-Webb's bum knee and the $66 million remaining on C-Webb's contract last February.

So if you're Billy King, what do you do for an encore? You spend $45 million for the next six years on ... (drumroll please) ... Kyle Korver and Willie Green! Are you kidding me? It's amazing that King didn't get in on the Brian Scalabrine bidding. Anyway, I think King is clearly preparing for his next job -- Hollywood movie executive. Couldn't you see him spending $18 million to lock up Rob Schneider for "Deuce Bigalow 2?" He'd be perfect out here.


9. "I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I'm polite and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call 'mentally retarded.'"

To former Cleveland GM Jim Paxson, who made the most underrated panic trade in NBA history last February: A protected 2007 No. 1 pick to Boston for Jiri Welsch (16 games, 191 minutes, 46 points for the Cavs). But here's the kicker: Because they were giving away a first-rounder, by NBA rules, Paxson had to remove the lottery protection from another first-rounder earmarked for Charlotte in 2005. Hence, they lost the 13th pick in June's draft (which they could have used on Danny Granger), and if that wasn't bad enough, they ended up trading Welsch to Milwaukee for a second-rounder in June. Has any team ever downgraded from a first to a second rounder in four months?

In a related story, Jim Paxson is unemployed right now. Might want to shift into sales or something, Jimbo. No offense.

(Speaking of Brick Tamland, one of my favorite things about "Anchorman": The fake names. Ron Burgundy, Champ Kind, Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland, Veronica Corningstone, Wes Mantooth ... in the words of Jack Horner, "Those are great names!" You can almost imagine Ferrell and co-writer Adam McKay sitting around at 3 a.m. one night, throwing out fake names for the script -- "What about Rust Youngblood? What about Lincoln Freeze? What about Harley Mace?" -- before they finally settled on the aforementioned group. That was probably more fun than writing the actual script. And by the way, look for Brick quietly putting mayonnaise into the toaster during this scene. Took me four viewings to notice it.)


21. "You are a smelly pirate hooker! Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!"

The funniest fight in the movie goes to the funniest fight of the offseason: Portland's Ha Seung-Jin (a 7-foot-3 South Korean) and Nedzad Sinanovic (a 7-foot-3 Bosnian) getting into a fistfight while shooting free throws at a summer workout, with Ha reportedly screaming, "I'll sue! I'll sue!" before getting pulled away. But it didn't stop there: Ha found Sinanovic in the team's weight room and attacked him with a wooden stretching pole, nailing him twice before they were separated. Within 24 hours, they had made up.

But that's not my favorite part. In John Canzano's report about the incident for The Oregonian, he mentioned how this was a good-natured altercation compared to some of the Portland incidents in the past, leading to this paragraph: "This isn't the same as Zach Randolph cold-cocking Ruben Patterson two seasons ago, breaking his eye socket, then being chased around the facility, and later having to spend the night, in hiding, at Dale Davis' house because Randolph feared for his life. The Ha-Sinanovic bout was about good competition, and frustration, and boiling points."

(Umm ... hiding out at Dale Davis' house? What? How have I never heard that one before? What else don't I know about the 1998-2005 Blazers? Why hasn't there been a five-hour "E! True Hollywood Story" yet? Why aren't cameras rolling at that facility at all times? I know, I know, I ask this every summer. Yeah, but still.)

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