Q: Do you have any ideas for cool Halloween costumes? I'm sick of the slutty nurse, slutty french maid, slutty [insert female occupation here]. What is the Sports Gal going as?
--Jen M., Middletown, N.J.
SG: The Sports Gal is going as a mother of a young baby who doesn't sleep enough -- a permanent scowl and eye bags and you're all set. But I'm glad you asked because a person's Halloween costume says a lot about them, especially females. Halloween costume choices are distant cousins of playing pool at a bar. In bar pool, there are two types of women -- the ones who bend over because that's the only real way to make a successful shot, or the ones who perform a half-crouch so their butt doesn't stick out ... hence, jeopardizing their chances and proving to everyone that they don't really care about winning the game, and they're only playing so guys will check them out.
(Just for the record, I dated only two half-crouchers, and neither of them lasted long. Any woman worth her salt will bend over, stick her butt out, try to make the shot and deal with the consequences of random drunken dudes leering at her rear end. This separates the keepers from the pretenders if you're choosing a mate for life -- I'm telling you. Don't end up with a half-croucher. These are also the women who wear makeup to bed during the first 6-7 weeks you're dating and pretend they never go to the bathroom until you've been dating for like four years.)
Anyway, here are the three groups of female Halloween costumes:
Group A: Girls who use their costumes as an excuse to get attention from guys. Common examples include the slutty bunny/cat/genie/nurse/angel/cop/french maid/schoolgirl or slutty anything-with-a-tail. Please note, I'm not against any of these costumes -- in fact, I support and applaud them. Mainly because they can be the equivalent of somebody holding up a sign and saying either, "I'm up for some casual sex tonight" or "I'm definitely ready to start cheating on my boyfriend." But here's the problem: Sometimes the girls who make these choices are the quiet/uptight/prudish types who think this is their way of letting loose for the year. So it's almost like playing roulette, trying to figure out what their intentions are.
(By the way, for a less trendy, somewhat slutty costume, you might want to break out the cowgirl or dominatrix gimmicks -- more elaborate, more expensive, but also more respectable, more commendable. You can't go wrong. If you don't have the money, steal it.)
Group B: Girls who go overboard and end up stuck wearing a sweaty mask or costume that legitimately hinders them for the entire night. This is bad -- like Donna Martin dressing as a mermaid for the West Beverly High Halloween party. Could potentially kill your night. Plus, you always get like four monster zits after wearing a sweaty Halloween mask for too long.
Group C: Girls who are downright creative with their costumes. For instance, two years ago at the "Jimmy Kimmel Live" Halloween party, Sarah Silverman dressed up as Sexy Hitler (basically, Hitler in drag as a sexy woman). People at the party were floored. In fact, my editors are floored right now as they decide whether this paragraph can run. But those are the costumes you end up remembering, not the 550,000,000th person who dressed up like a slutty cat.
Without further ado, four suggestions for Halloween, 2005:
Costume No. 1: "Taradise"
This bangs out the "I'm still cute, you might want to think about hooking up with me later" angle, but it's also funny -- you need a blonde wig, a slutty outfit, a liquor bottle, smeared lipstick, fake scrapes on your knees and giant fake knockers. And you just need to stumble around and scream crazy things while your friends hold you up. Later, when you get drunk and start acting like this for real, people will assume that you're still playing the "Taradise" role. This also works for Courtney Love if you want to go in that direction.
If you're going slutty, go all out -- wear a stripper's outfit, stick dollar bills in your garter belt and carry around a makeshift stripper's pole. Why not go all the way? People will notice you. Especially if you're attending a party that includes Clinton Portis.
Costume No. 3: Nicole Richie
Dress in a skeleton outfit, only with fancy clothes on. Can't miss and a guaranteed laugh when someone asks who you are.
Costume No. 4: Generic Women's College Basketball Coach
My personal favorite. First, go to Marshall's and buy the ugliest beige pants suit you can find. Second, buy a Nancy Reagan wig. Third, buy 8-inch high heels and practice walking awkwardly in them. Fourth, learn how to do that whistle where you stick your index and pinky fingers in your mouth, then make an excruciatingly loud noise. And you're good to go.