This is a Global War on Weather and like any successful war it can't be won on the defensive. If we spend all our time reacting to hurricanes instead of attacking them where they live, we will only embolden further hurricanes! The only language hurricanes understand is force - and possibly hurricanese, which is difficult to learn and involves the use of many glottal stops. We must take the war to the enemy by fighting nature where it lives so it can't fight us at home!
The first step we must take is a series of "decapitation strike" air raids to wipe out threateningly puffy-looking cumulus clouds - some of which, Giblets observed the other day, may already resemble ferocious animals! Next we must take out a major cold front with a series of MOABs and low-yield "bunker-buster" nukes. Stage three must be the invasion and occupation of the jet stream, complete with a massive influx of several military and national guard units to rebuild and keep the peace. Some namby-pamby skeptic-types say "oh you cannot occupy the jet stream, you will only antagonize the native cloud-people and plunge several thousand feet to your death below." Well all Giblets has to say to that is shut up, storm-symp! The people of New Orleans would be ashamed of you if they weren't so busy looking for food.
Monday, September 05, 2005